The shape of memories
by Flower Angel Becca
Summary: Edward finds himself writing a letter one day...yet the contents of it consist of nothing but painful memories that are still fresh in his mind. Based after episodes 7 and 8.


**The shape of memories.**

**Authors Notes: This particular story is just a random idea that came to me a few days ago...and so I decided to write it out while it was still fresh in my mind.**

**It's set just a few months after the whole Nina incident and possibly a month or so after the Barry incident...so that would mean that Edward's pain is still pretty fresh at this point, so don't expect him to be a happy bunny. **

**Edward and Alphonse Elric belong to Hiromu Arakawa, BONES, Square Enix.  
Shou and Nina's quotes are from episode seven 'Night of the chimera's cry'**

By Rebecca Mason.

**A bitter remembrance.**

_It's only been a few months since that unfortunate event but I still can't believe we ever allowed ourselves to reside in the same house as that man...if we ever knew what was to come; than me and Al would of happily stayed in the military dorms, perhaps if we had...then maybe such a thing would never of happened, had it really been our presence that made it happen in the first place? No, it couldn't of been! why would it be?! _

_To think we ever trusted Tucker in the first place, to think that we looked up to him for advice and were thankful when he gave us help, to think that we thought of him as a good friend...maybe even, dare I say it now, like the Uncle that we never had.  
__Yet that beloved __**uncle**__ has gone and done something that is beyond forgiveness in any shape or form...Nina was only five years old, five friggin' years old and he ruined her life before it even had a chance to begin!_

It was then that Edward just seemed to clutch the pencil he was holding, even tighter for a few moments as the memory of losing Nina once again coursed through his mind with painful intensity.

Sure, some people had told him to get over it every now and then...but with how the circumstances had panned out and the fact that he was merely twelve years of age, it was a task that was easier said than done; and had those people been in the same position as him, Ed would of loved to see how those people took it...if only to gloat at them if they were struggling and then say; " Not so easy _**now**_, is it?"

Edward then glanced with a hard stare to the half-written-on piece of paper that lay on the desk in front of him, it had originally been a letter to Winry to say how the brothers were doing...but as he looked at it now, he wondered why he'd want to send Winry such a depressing letter in the first place.

" She'll probably worry about us and then insist on following me and Alphonse around everywhere just like she used to..." although the young boy's expression soon softened slightly and he just shook his head lightly.  
" Besides, she doesn't need to burden herself with our troubles...they're our concerns, not hers..."

But then the question remained as to who the letter was for...Edward absolutely refused to call it a journal of a sort, boys like him didn't write about their feelings in some book just so it could be discovered by prying eyes and used as scandal against them in the future.  
No...he wasn't the kind of boy to do anything like that and never would he do anything like that for as long as he lived.  
' _Perhaps this is more like a confession...only it wasn't me who did anything wrong_' was the best thought that he could come up with.  
And so with that thought in mind, Edward then turned to writing once more.

_Nina was Shou Tucker's daughter...she was the most sweetest little girl that me and my brother have ever come across.  
__Her innocence knew no bounds and she grew to be a lot like a little sister to the two of us, Nina was full of so much energy and seemed to be friendly to just about anyone._

_She was even supportive of her father...even though in the end, that all came to nought...  
__For her own 'beloved' father betrayed her trust and turned her; his only daughter, into a perversion of nature, a thing that wasn't even human...a taboo in alchemy.  
__That jerk didn't even realise how much pain she was in...all he cared about was passing that assessment so that he could carry on with his research; Tucker even said in his own words that he did it just to prove he could...how does that even justify anything?!_

Those words from Shou had been the ones that had stuck with Edward the most; _**" But above all...you did it just to prove you can!"**_ even thinking back over them now, Edward still failed to see how those words justified that horrid act that the Sewing-Life Alchemist had commited, especially since Barry the Chopper had said more or less the same thing as Shou when it concerned killing people.

Not only was it those words that got to Ed...but it was the fact that Shou actually had the nerve to compare himself to Edward, even down to the point of the transmutations.  
' _I may of ended up putting Alphonse into that suit of armour...but it was to save his life, something that you would possibly never do in a million years, Tucker_' his thoughts still seethed with venom at the man in-question.

That's why in Edward's eyes, he'd never be like Shou Tucker...  
He, the Fullmetal Alchemist was selfless and had done the things he did out of love, Shou...a man who was older than Edward and really should of known better, had ( as far as Ed could see) done the things he did, out of nothing but greed...that was hardly forgiveable.  
" There's nobody in this world that would ever dream of doing that to their own children...and anyone that does, deserves to be punished!"

The young boy had ended up having nightmares after everything that had happened and the things within them always featured the same situation.

The nightmares often had Trisha, Roy and even Shou himself, in them...  
And at the end of each nightmare, everything would go out of control with Roy or Trisha suddenly turning against the brothers and betraying their trust and Shou would just be there laughing with wild eyes and a mocking grin as Al could only cry out helplessly as things spiralled out of control and Ed would be powerless to do anything...then they would all disappear and Edward would find himself all alone and standing in the middle of a dark place.

And then there would be Shou's voice echoing around him, with words coated in an almost boastful sounding tone of glee; _**" Life isn't as forgiving as you thought it would be, is it Edward?"  
**_Ed just shook off the uneasy feeling from remembering that particular nightmare and let out a disapproving huff.  
'_ I'm not going to let his words get the better of me, not even if my dreams...he's nothing but a man who threw away all of his sanity for something as materialistic as money_' came Edward's reasoning thoughts yet again as he prepared to write the last part of the 'confession' onto the paper.

_When I found out what Tucker had done...I gave him the beating of his life; I thought that by doing that, I could avenge Nina and Alexander and then everything would be alright...but no matter what I did, Tucker just carried on goading me with those twisted words of self justifying, that smug look on his face and those glassy blue eyes that were focused right on me, almost to the point of piercing my very soul. _

_I couldn't take it...I just wanted him to stop talking, I wanted him to be silent...I wanted to put an end to his pityful life so that he'd never end up putting anyone through pain ever again.  
__But before I could deliever the final blow that could of possibly robbed Tucker of his life...something stopped me._

_When I looked around, I saw Nina grabbing onto my coat and growling softly; and once she let go of my coat, the only thing she said to me was " No, big brother"  
__To think that after everything Tucker had put her through, Nina still seemed to want to protect him...such is the bond of a child to it's parent I guess._

_However it didn't end there...before long, the military intervened and were going to make sure that Shou saw a Court Marshal...while Nina was going to be taken away to the labs for 'special treatment' but that's not what the steely eyes of the Iron Blood alchemist told me at all.  
__I wasn't going to let them do that, Nina had already lost her humanity with no thanks to her father...I wasn't going to let them take her away!  
__After I'd used my alchemy to make the military van that had the Tucker's in, turn over...me and Alphonse watched as Nina ran out of the van, thankfully unscathed by the crash. _

_I called out to her, hoping that she would hear me and come running back to us, then we could of taken her to safety; sure enough Nina turned around to look towards me and Al...but I'll never forget the look in those eyes of hers, that expression that she pulled at that precise moment...it was almost a look of fear, could Nina really of been scared of me? of us? ...her own big brothers whom she had been close to?  
__No...it must of just been because of the crash, that's all...there's no way that Nina could of ever been scared of us._

_Yet even if she was scared of us or not, Nina still ran off down the street in fear...and then Alphonse and I gave chase as soon as we could, we could still save her...I was sure that we could.  
__And it was when we finally reached that lonely alleyway, that we realised that we were too late...  
__There were bloodied remains plastered to the alleyway's dead-end wall like some kind of grisly art-piece, the shape that formed them was only too familiar...Nina._

_I could do nothing but cry as the rain started to come down, and I then tried my hardest at reforming her; again, again and again, I clapped my hands onto the blood smothered brick wall in the hopes that my alchemy would fix things...but nothing happened, there was no alchemic light and Nina's remains just stayed where they were...until the rain had started to wash it all down onto the ground.__For the longest time, I thought that alchemists were like Gods...I thought that we were capable of doing great and wonderful things for those that were less fortunate.  
__I actually thought that we could change the world and make it a better place...__But after losing Nina and the confrontation with Barry, I realised that alchemists were no such thing.  
__We weren't Gods, we never have been and never will be...the power that we possess isn't always used for good things; and we couldn't always save people...not even the life of one little girl, regardless of how much she meant to us..._

He'd ran out of room...there was no more paper to use and Edward had ended up running out of room before his letter was even finished!  
" Awww man, oh this is just perfect...I finally take the time to write out a heart-felt confession, I'm not even finished yet and there's no more freaking paper!" he grumbled as he placed the pencil down on the table and looked at what had been written so far.

Although Ed's eyebrows couldn't help but go up a little in surprise as he realised that there was a lot more written down than what he'd originally planned...perhaps the oldest Elric brother had got a little bit too carried away?  
" Well...this was my confession, it just seems that it needs more than just one page to be explained" he said before chuckling slightly and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.  
' _Or perhaps we sometimes need to keep some things inside and never forget them, so that it gives us the will to move forward from whatever happened_'

However, Edward was soon broken off from his thoughts as the door to the room that he and Al were staying in opened, and a tall suit of armour began to make it's way inside.  
As if on cue, Edward hastily picked up the piece of paper and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans...Alphonse didn't need to know about what he'd been writing afterall.  
" Al?" was all the eldest brother questioned as he sat in the desk-chair and looked over to his little brother with a quizzical expression.  
" Is there something wrong?"

Alphonse had only just caught a glimpse of Edward stuffing something into his pocket, but decided to not pay any mind to it for the moment as he went to answer his brother's question.  
" Not really...but Mr. Hughes is coming to take us around to his place to visit Mrs. Hughes and Elicia again since you've had a lot on your mind recently, Brother...I was just wondering if you wanted to go or not, I mean if you're busy with research I could just tell him that we can't go today and that we could leave it for another day"

Hughes had seen that Edward had got a lot on his mind recently? Edward couldn't help but wonder if he was that transparent in his feelings or something, it was like everyone and their brother had been seeing right through him lately.

Still...he wasn't going to gripe about such a thing; and the invitation to the Hughes' household was more than welcome right now, it had been a hectic few months and when Ed was at that house and among that family, all of his cares just seemed to melt away, if only for a few hours...  
" Are you kidding me? I say we go for it!" the twelve year old insisted eagerly and got to his feet.  
" Besides, the dorm's been pretty boring lately and Colonel Sarcasm hasn't lumbered me with anymore work" he then smirked and ran past Alphonse.  
" Come on Al!"

Alphonse just gave a very slight nod of his helmet before running out of the room and going in pursuit of his older brother...although it was then that the eleven year old found himself asking that question, especially since Ed had said that Roy hadn't given him any paperwork to do.  
" But if you don't have any work from the Colonel, than what was it that you put in your pocket?"

Ed winced a little at that, so Alphonse **had** seen the piece of paper afterall...yet he just gave his younger brother an over-shoulder glance and just shook his head slightly.  
" It was nothing, just a letter I was writing that's all...but I messed it up, so I scrapped it...can't send a letter home if it's covered with mistakes and stuff, right?"

And when he heard Al answer with a rather unsure _**'I guess' **_Edward did a mental sigh of relief and just carried on going down the corridor.  
' _That confession may not of been completely finished...but should we ever meet again someday or somewhere in another world or another life...I promise that I'll apologise for not being able to save you, perhaps then I'll finally earn your forgiveness and we can move on from all of this pain...until then rest well, Nina..._'

**To be continued. **

**( Because I may write more!)**


End file.
